Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
