Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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