dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
