Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
