Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
