i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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