Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
