so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
