it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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