so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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