just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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