brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize