And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
