Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
