I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
