Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
