theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
