last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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