Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
