Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What did we do last night that was yellow?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
