There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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