You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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