I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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