I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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