Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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