She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
