All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
