why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
