I am spending my child support on dildos
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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