So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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