My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
