I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
