hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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