My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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