I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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