Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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