I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
