But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
