My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
