I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
