I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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