The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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