she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
