Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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