So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
