Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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