Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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