Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
