She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
