Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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