she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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