I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
