You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
