I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You took a bar mat shot.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
