I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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