I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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