That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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