did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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